Hello sweet friends! It's Friday. I've already been VERY busy since 5am over here! D&I go to the gym that early so that he can work out before work and I can get it over with since I am a busy woman!
And now here I sit eating breakfast taking a break. The laundry's drying, the house is tidy. My homework is finished {I am just going ahead to stay ahead of the game!}. I only have one class today, which makes me giddy! I get home by 11:30 and then I have tons of time!!! Although I gotta clean the house, I am pretty stoked about Friday's as you know!
So today I wanted to share a lil' somethin' with ya!
First the layout, then the story...
supplies: American crafts, Glimmer Mist, CM corner rounder, Pebbles Inc. Fresh Goods collection, computer font Bradley Hand.
You can bet that I love Alyssa. We all love our kids, don't we? But at this stage in her life, I truly do appreciate her, I enjoy her. We get along really great {even though we do have our days where I want to slap her silly... Yes, I said that. That eye-roll thing? UGH. Its enough to set my skin a boilin!} and are very close. Probably the closest we've ever been. But I've been strugglin. I know you can relate. Our kids grow up, and all we want to do is protect them. I wouldn't say I am overprotective by any means with Alyssa but we do tend to be very involved in her life and what's going on. Our jobs as parents are to raise them up the way that they should go {paraphrasing the bible}. I always tell her the reason we do what we do is because we care. I asked her once if it got on her nerves how involved we are. Her response? No I appreciate it. Around her there are kids where their parents don't care, she sees it. She also knows and understands that even though my mom was the best mom she could be, she wasn't always there for me. So I've been praying for years now that my relationship with A would be different. Better. And most of all have communication. So I blow it from time to time when while we have great communication, I tend to over communicate. LOL. I repeat myself a lot. But I am working on it. She knows this and is patient with me, thank God.
You can bet that I love Alyssa. We all love our kids, don't we? But at this stage in her life, I truly do appreciate her, I enjoy her. We get along really great {even though we do have our days where I want to slap her silly... Yes, I said that. That eye-roll thing? UGH. Its enough to set my skin a boilin!} and are very close. Probably the closest we've ever been. But I've been strugglin. I know you can relate. Our kids grow up, and all we want to do is protect them. I wouldn't say I am overprotective by any means with Alyssa but we do tend to be very involved in her life and what's going on. Our jobs as parents are to raise them up the way that they should go {paraphrasing the bible}. I always tell her the reason we do what we do is because we care. I asked her once if it got on her nerves how involved we are. Her response? No I appreciate it. Around her there are kids where their parents don't care, she sees it. She also knows and understands that even though my mom was the best mom she could be, she wasn't always there for me. So I've been praying for years now that my relationship with A would be different. Better. And most of all have communication. So I blow it from time to time when while we have great communication, I tend to over communicate. LOL. I repeat myself a lot. But I am working on it. She knows this and is patient with me, thank God.
Anyway.. Where I struggle is I realized that I had to be honest with myself. I didn't and couldn't let her go. Now don't read too much into that. Let me explain. I didn't trust her fully to the Lord. Yes, even a Jesus freak person like myself said that. I am not perfect. I sin. I have flaws. One of those was "thinking" I was in control over A's welfare {I am to a certain extent, I know}. But I couldn't let her go and give her fully to God because that meant I had to back off. To let go. And it isn't that I don't want her to grow up, my need comes from wanting to protect her from everything around her. Oh how I struggled with this. I justified it. I controlled it. I manipulated it. I ensured I had it all under my control. Letting go of a growing child is hard. Admitting that you needed to let go was even harder. And it wasn't pride. It was mama hen mode where the protection overruled everything. My need at the time to protect Alyssa from everything and everyone took over. There were times where I told Dayv that I just wanted to plop her in a room, close the door and not allow her to come out. I'd have to say it was more fear than pride.
And oh how I struggled. Struggled and wrestled with God for months. Years probably. I fought him tooth and nail. Ha. You can guess the outcome of this one... I don't win. But then again it isn't about winning really. It was about letting go and fully trusting that the Lord had her, loved her, and cared for her more than I could possibly do or feel. Trust me when I tell you that even that was a struggle. I didn't believe that. The depth of my love for my child is something I cannot even put into words, I truly can't. The Lord began working on me, and oh how he worked! From the little things to big things, I had to let her go. In the beginning the letting go made me feel as though I was actually "getting rid" of Alyssa if you follow what I mean. It was strange. Then I moved on to only allow some things to be let go of and not others. Then I'd walk 80 steps backwards and take her back. Oh! The thought of me actually thinking I could... It's kinda of sad and funny all rolled into one. But very true. First it was I didn't want too, then it became I can't. Well with the Lord there isn't I can't. It was more I wouldn't. I couldn't.
And it didn't mean anything life shattering either. But it was hard. I simply couldn't do it. So I justified again that I was doing A more good than harm because I loved her so much. Who wouldn't do that for and with their kids? That is love that knows no bounds. But there is another that feels that way too. I had to come to grips with God and the fact that Alyssa was his. I truly did. As I began pouring my heart out in my journal to the Lord, I realized that he was healing my past yet again. My childhood sucked. I cannot tell you how much that I know my mom did the best she could with the circumstances and what was given to her or dealt to her. But it sucked. Although I have dealt with my past on many levels, I never really realized that the fear that I let go of from my past, gripped me within my own child. And God had to heal me from that. What a patient God we have! I fought hard as I said. Probably just as much as giving up the bad word, shit. But that's another story isn't it? LOL.
God has been working on me. He sent me people in our church that I don't normally talk too. They prayed with me and for me not even knowing what was going on. He sent some of my dear friends to encourage me without even knowing what was going on. He had D&I praying like crazy parents too. And then he started to whisper to me. The very same love that I know he has for me {oh and its more than he died on the cross for me. Yes he did do that. But I didn't want to love God, after all is a man and men all my life have hurt me}. But God showered his love for me in the 11 years I've been walking. Oh my goodness if I could write a novel, I would!!!! God loves me. And it was high time I allowed him to love Alyssa that way too. I cried so many tears because I knew it was coming. He was preparing me to be ready for it. And in being ready, he was showing me I'd be okay. After all, he took me from the bottom slum pits of hell and turned my life completely around. If he did that, he was going to walk with me through letting Alyssa go too.
So needless to say my fighting became more of running to him. Oh, I'd tell him in sobs I couldn't let her go. I simply couldn't. I'd cry for hours because I felt like if I let her go that anything and everything bad would happen to her. So naive. So much like a child myself with this, I felt that she was being ripped from my body and soul. But not really... The foolish things we think as humans, huh?
I'd be in church every single weekend looking at Alyssa worship the Lord. She loves the Lord with all of her heart. Standing in pure abandonment to his will and here I was on stage playing the congas struggling. But I was broken. The burden and stress were too much for me to bare. I had to let go.
Last Sunday I was very weepy. I could barely get through a song and I'd start crying. The holy spirit was in the house that day because he knew. Worship was longer. More people came to the alter and he was nudging me. So I get off of stage and get on my hands and knees and bow to our Lord. What was weeping became heaving heavy sobs. Then I felt hands. A woman came up next to me and started to pray. Such a dear sweet spirit! As she prayed I just sobbed. I felt my body literally giving up the fight. I was ready to let go. But there was still a piece of my flesh hanging on. So I said very loudly I cannot let go. As the woman prayed, I felt another set of hands. Arms. Strong arms. They were Dayv's and I knew it. I didn't even have to look up. That man, I tell you is my rock. Well Jesus is, but you get it. So as I was kneeling there on that alter, I let go. My I can't let go became Jesus she is yours. I let my baby go.
And you know what? I fully and completely trust the Lord that he does love her, cares for her, wants what is best for her, and will keep her from harm. Oh that doesn't mean that she'll walk through life in an utter run through a field of daisies but it means that we can work together as a team to care for Alyssa. She was given to us for a time but has always been the Lord's. Trusting the Lord, even for an on fire Christian like me is hard. It's something I truly believe that the Lord will work on me until he calls me home.
You know what else? For the first time in years I feel free. Released. Able to be okay. Oh I'll still be a prayer warrior for Alyssa. And I'll be there whenever she needs me to the normal mom stuff too. But my baby belongs to the Lord and it is there she'll fly forever!
I am thankful for that.
And it didn't mean anything life shattering either. But it was hard. I simply couldn't do it. So I justified again that I was doing A more good than harm because I loved her so much. Who wouldn't do that for and with their kids? That is love that knows no bounds. But there is another that feels that way too. I had to come to grips with God and the fact that Alyssa was his. I truly did. As I began pouring my heart out in my journal to the Lord, I realized that he was healing my past yet again. My childhood sucked. I cannot tell you how much that I know my mom did the best she could with the circumstances and what was given to her or dealt to her. But it sucked. Although I have dealt with my past on many levels, I never really realized that the fear that I let go of from my past, gripped me within my own child. And God had to heal me from that. What a patient God we have! I fought hard as I said. Probably just as much as giving up the bad word, shit. But that's another story isn't it? LOL.
God has been working on me. He sent me people in our church that I don't normally talk too. They prayed with me and for me not even knowing what was going on. He sent some of my dear friends to encourage me without even knowing what was going on. He had D&I praying like crazy parents too. And then he started to whisper to me. The very same love that I know he has for me {oh and its more than he died on the cross for me. Yes he did do that. But I didn't want to love God, after all is a man and men all my life have hurt me}. But God showered his love for me in the 11 years I've been walking. Oh my goodness if I could write a novel, I would!!!! God loves me. And it was high time I allowed him to love Alyssa that way too. I cried so many tears because I knew it was coming. He was preparing me to be ready for it. And in being ready, he was showing me I'd be okay. After all, he took me from the bottom slum pits of hell and turned my life completely around. If he did that, he was going to walk with me through letting Alyssa go too.
So needless to say my fighting became more of running to him. Oh, I'd tell him in sobs I couldn't let her go. I simply couldn't. I'd cry for hours because I felt like if I let her go that anything and everything bad would happen to her. So naive. So much like a child myself with this, I felt that she was being ripped from my body and soul. But not really... The foolish things we think as humans, huh?
I'd be in church every single weekend looking at Alyssa worship the Lord. She loves the Lord with all of her heart. Standing in pure abandonment to his will and here I was on stage playing the congas struggling. But I was broken. The burden and stress were too much for me to bare. I had to let go.
Last Sunday I was very weepy. I could barely get through a song and I'd start crying. The holy spirit was in the house that day because he knew. Worship was longer. More people came to the alter and he was nudging me. So I get off of stage and get on my hands and knees and bow to our Lord. What was weeping became heaving heavy sobs. Then I felt hands. A woman came up next to me and started to pray. Such a dear sweet spirit! As she prayed I just sobbed. I felt my body literally giving up the fight. I was ready to let go. But there was still a piece of my flesh hanging on. So I said very loudly I cannot let go. As the woman prayed, I felt another set of hands. Arms. Strong arms. They were Dayv's and I knew it. I didn't even have to look up. That man, I tell you is my rock. Well Jesus is, but you get it. So as I was kneeling there on that alter, I let go. My I can't let go became Jesus she is yours. I let my baby go.
And you know what? I fully and completely trust the Lord that he does love her, cares for her, wants what is best for her, and will keep her from harm. Oh that doesn't mean that she'll walk through life in an utter run through a field of daisies but it means that we can work together as a team to care for Alyssa. She was given to us for a time but has always been the Lord's. Trusting the Lord, even for an on fire Christian like me is hard. It's something I truly believe that the Lord will work on me until he calls me home.
You know what else? For the first time in years I feel free. Released. Able to be okay. Oh I'll still be a prayer warrior for Alyssa. And I'll be there whenever she needs me to the normal mom stuff too. But my baby belongs to the Lord and it is there she'll fly forever!
I am thankful for that.
