This is where its at...

I might lose my job.
Or I might have to quit.
Either one, things are changing yet again
at work.
There is this test that all supervisors have
to take. I've taken it twice.
Yeah its pretty embarrassing I haven't
passed it. I am admitting it.
I have one more chance to pass it.
If I don't, I am either fired or demoted.
Either way isn't a very good picture.
There is a book to study from, but
interestingly enough its not been given
back to me. I do have quizzes to study from
which I am...

I have to give back story.
I don't test well.
In fact, I am a horrible test-taker.
I suck at them, quite honestly.
No matter how hard I study something
about taking a test jacks me up every single time.

It started in 7th grade.
I was in detention with my science teacher.
We had this major exam to take the next day.
My science teacher was upset that I wasn't
studying. I told him I was quite ready for
the test, and I was. You see my mom and I had
been studying for about 2 weeks prior to the exam.
So he said to me that he'll quiz me just to see
if I am truly ready or not {like I said, it bothered
him I was just sitting there}. He gave me the
test orally. I aced it. He said indeed you are ready!
And honestly I really was.
We come in the next day and take the test.
He comes and gets me from my Social Studies
class. He wants to know what happened? I didn't
really get what was up, but he said I made a D on
the exam. And he was confused because he gave
me the test himself and I aced it. I said I wasn't sure
but I was nervous. So he allowed me to take
it again. I made a C. He was stumped, and I was
crushed...
I knew that test like God numbered the hair on our heads...

And that was the start.
I got through school but by the skin of my teeth.
Then I got to college and I had some really great
professors. I talked to one of them one day about
testing and she couldn't figure out why one of my
papers I had written was written the way it was.
Then we took a test, knowing everything on that
as well, I failed it. So she sent me to be tested. They never
found anything wrong however some of my professors
started giving me exams or tests orally.
I passed them with flying colors.
Every.
Single.
Time.
I even had a job once that worked with me like that too.
I took every single test orally.
Passed with flying colors there too.

However, there is an issue with this particular test.
The trainer doesn't want to allow me to take it
orally and says there are regs to prove that I cannot take it
orally as well. Then she had the nerve to tell my manager
that I wouldn't pass it no matter what {seems I've got to
speak with my manager as well. Bless his heart, I know he
meant well, but he should of never told me any of this cause
all it did was make me even more paranoid and honestly it ticked me off too!}

So I have no book.
I have the quizzes, yes.
I have to take the test by October 31st.

Did I mention I suck at taking tests?
How stupid I feel?
How embarrassed I really am.
How awful it is that every single person I work with and beyond knows about it?
I feel like 3rd grade all over again...
{My teacher told me I was stupid in 3rd grade, believe that. and I did believe her.
Cause she was using a ditto and I wasn't getting the math problem with these block
things she said I was stupid. Seriously. I never excelled at math, EVER. I cannot do
math to save my life, she really did not help me what so ever. But that's another story}.

So that's where its at.
I am not sure what the Lord is trying to show me here, either.
I don't know if this is a door that is closing and I'm not getting it.
Or a door that is to stay open and I'll pass.
Who knows?
Please know, I am not setting myself up for failing cause I am claiming I will...
You have to know me. My history and test taking.
I am not saying I will fail it.
But I have to think about every side.
Fired?
How stupid is that.
Demoted?
Not going to happen. It has nothing to do with humbling myself.
It has everything to do with if I am demoted, I'd still be doing
supervisory stuff and people will look to me to supervisor and
I won't even be one. So it's in the best interest of me and
those I work with if I don't pass it to quit.

I am praying that I pass. I like my job. They work with my on
my hours well for my family. It's extra money.
But I am okay with not passing either cause I'll quit and go to school.
Finally go to school for something I really want to do and love.

However....
For the first time in my life... Well probably one of the few times
in my life I hate that not only is everyone younger than me at my
place of work, they all know, and they all will know why I'm gone.
I cannot help but feel so stupid.
Even if its not my fault.