I am a wuss.

First off let me just say I truly appreciate the prayers with all of my heart.
They helped, I felt them.
And my day was filled with inner strength and peace.
You simply cannot know how much they meant to me, truly.
Thank you so much.


Although I am sharing this, praying for me yesterday was not the cause of today.
Dayv left for a TDY last night at 9pm.

It's only for a day. He's going to FL.
And what did I do?

I simply fell apart like a wuss.
I tell you these trips, TDY, deployments have me
bawling like a baby no matter if he's gone a day, a month, or many many months.
When I said I was over it in another post, I meant it.

I know it made him feel horrible about going. I could tell.
He has a hard enough time as it is himself and I stood there
crying like a baby watching and waving at him while he drove away.

And yet when I tell myself to pull it together all I can do is wait for
his call to let me know that he got there safe. I hate it when he flies.

We used to say it in words...
When he wasn't walking, I'd tell him to get right by Jesus if something
were to happen while they were flying. That I wanted him to be there
in Heaven with me because I loved him so and so did Jesus.
And he'd say every single time, I will..

Now that he's walking and has been awhile, I don't say that anymore.
But he knows it. I know it. We both feel it.
I know its a morbid thought to think about, but with this kind of a
life, you have to think about it. We've talked about it before too.

I know that we aren't supposed to love our spouses as much as we love
Jesus. And oh! How I love me some Jesus! But I love Dayv, with all of my
heart and with every ounce of being in me, I love that man...

I have before tried to picture our lives without him and well, I can't.
I won't. But when you are forced into situations like this, you tend to think
about things the average person does not. And when that happens,
I end up crying even more.
And I carry my phone with me like it's a piece of jewelry waiting for his call.
And because he knows me so well, he'll call straight after they land.
Because he knows I have to know that they got there safely.

Sometimes I think deep down, that he gets scared too. Afraid even.
We've talked about that too. While laying in our bed in the dark holding
hands. We pray. And a lot of the time we argue and bicker too. Especially
when he goes on long deployments. And its cause neither of us want him to
go... Tonight when he gave me that last hug and while I was crying, he
said let's hang on to the 4 years left sweetie and after that I'll find a job
that never takes me away...

That sounds like pure bliss to me. Because frankly I don't know
how much more of this I can take...

And I don't care if its only a day, I still hate it.