I've fallen...

Completely off track.
Well that isn't true.
Those goals?
So lofty.
So many.
Too much.
Although I am still
plugging my way
through flossing...
We are still taking
nightly walks or
bike rides.

That's a good thing yeah?

So.
I fell.
Hard.
I haven't worked out in awhile.
I ate, really REALLY bad.
I cried a lot.
I also realized something.

I am obsessed.
That's right.
I am admitting it.
But it is not a very good
obsession.

You see.
I have some issues with food. weight. working out.

I don't enjoy food anymore. Like
when I first went on WW I learned seriously a new way to eat.
Then it brought me to a point where I learned to love food in
a whole new light.
I wasn't controlled by food anymore and didn't feel the need
at any given time to cheat, eat tons of food, or even crave food.
I ate good foods for me and I loved it.

I also dropped 60 pounds on WW.
Then I had surgery that further aided in that.
So I weigh 155. I gain and lose 5 pounds like it owes
me money so at any given time I can go from 155-160
just like that. And that is really okay. Sure I'd like
to weigh 150 but that struggle is just something
that I am laying down at the King's feet!

Working out. Where do I start? I've worked out practically all
of my life, so it seems. I seriously started working out in Japan
though and never really stopped. Sure I stop off and on, but I've
worked out from there until now. I know that working out is
an important part of my world. I am older, and it's okay but
I want to work out to stay healthy. Not doing it isn't an option.
So I got a personal trainer recently. As you can tell by now
I really dislike it. Not really her, but I dislike having one.
Sure it pumped me up, got me going, showed me what I needed to
do. But it took all the fun out of working out for me. I now hate it.
And will go to any length to get out of it. I finish one of her workouts
and no more is the feeling released, satisfied, or uplifted. The only thing
I really am glad of is that it is over. I never felt this way before having
a trainer at all!

So where does that leave me today?
Today is different because I fully admit to having an issue.
I fully admit that "I" has become just that.
I am tired of watching what I eat constantly.
Tired of working out to the point of exhaustion.
Tired of watching my weight and freaking out if I gain a pound.

Surely there has to be a balance in all of this?
Surely there is a way out to where the balance means that I am healthy
in all 3 corners again?
Yes, why yes there is a way out.
God.
I know I've said it a million times but you have to realize that
I am fully admitting this to myself, to you, and to God.
Where as before I torked it, tweeked it, and turned it.
I am tired.
I grow weary of it all.

I want to let it all go.
I don't want to worry about my weight.
Or the fact that I didn't do one of her workouts so I am a failure.
Of eating that smore is really going to put 5 pounds on me.
Or that I am weak because those workouts literally kick my butt.

I am over it.
Yeah. Done. Fried. Finished.

I prayed recently for God to show me the love of good food again.
To take away desires of emotional eating.
For putting blame on Dayv because I do better when he is gone.
To find the love of working out, and find the balance of her horrible workouts and what I love doing in the gym.
To realize its a lifetime change, not an over night one.
To stop beating myself up each and every time I slip, fall, or fail. I am only human.
To get back to being okay with treat days or eating things that aren't always
good for me instead of beating myself up for eating them.

I want to enjoy life!
We have so much going on in our lives to pull us down and this isn't an area where
I want it to any longer!
I want to experience freedom.
And the odd part?
I trapped myself down.
I am hard on myself.
I felt like a failure or that it was
destiny to be the old me again.
I just ran myself into the ground
by pushing so hard there wasn't any give.
I cannot do this alone.
I was a fool to even think that I could.

I am going to start enjoying it again.
Food.
Working out.
Where I am with my weight.
Just sit back and enjoy.

Not obsesses any longer.
There isn't any need for it.
It is wasted time and energy.

All of this because I try to do this on
my own. Without God.
God is in my everything and I have
seemingly pushed him out of the picture
and just thought I could handle it myself.
Thought that I had it under control.

Not any longer! Get behind thee Satan!
There isn't room for you to be screwing up
my life any longer.
My joy and fulfillment comes from the Lord!
Not from food or obsessions.

Not any longer.
Taking it day by day with Jesus.
Giving my life and self to him
with working out. Eating. Living.

God is my refuge and strength.
I cannot do this alone.

Why share this here?
Well as I have said many times this is me.
It's my blog and although scrapping is a huge
part of it, I write to release. Sometimes that isn't
pretty pictures with cute elements.
It's just me. The realness of myself posting it out
there.

I know we all struggle.
If it isn't with any of these issues that I have
it's something else.
I know that.
I am not talking about something that I am alone on
I know that too.

If you can relate, share...
I will lift you up in prayer if you'll lift me up!
We need all the prayers we can get.

It feels so good to admit that I had an obsession
that I am no longer bound too!
I thank you for coming to my blog to get a glimpse of me
fun times, cute layouts, and struggles too!

Today is a new day and I am going to bask in it!