I am sitting here crying, aching, and just plain not understanding...
Who the heck would of thought growing up that you would be gone
by 64?
Certainly not me.
When I look at photos I think to myself, we don't ever think
about dying.
Or when a person dies.
We just think they will be around forever.
I ache for my mom.
So much so lately that all I can do is cry.
Cry.
And cry some more.
and it doesn't really change a thing.
Sure I let it out.
But it doesn't bring my mom back.
And today I hurt.
I want to talk to her.
Hug her.
Hear her laugh.
Have her visit.
Give me advice.
Give me a recipe.
Tell me its okay.
Share in our lives.
My life.
Alyssa's life.
Dayv's life.
Our home.
My job.
The direction and journey we are on.
I just want to hear her voice.
And yet there is silence.
And I know... I know where she is,
and while normally that is a joyful thing for me to know
today I want her here!
I want God to not of taken my mom so cotton pickin' soon.
Gut wrenching.
What brought this on?
Wind chimes.
A person's blog who's mom health is declining.
A layout that is beautiful about her, but causing me to shed tears.
I do not understand it.
And you think I would knowing what I know about
what the bible says.
I get it.
But today I don't want to get it, I want to be selfish and
I want my mommy back.
If only for today....
I think about all the things I'd say,
I'd do,
I'd share.
The laughs we'd have.
Together....
I think it sometimes hurts worse than when it all happened
Such a short 8 months ago....
I feel so selfish for wanting her back.
But not today.
Just for today.
Who the heck would of thought growing up that you would be gone
by 64?
Certainly not me.
When I look at photos I think to myself, we don't ever think
about dying.
Or when a person dies.
We just think they will be around forever.
I ache for my mom.
So much so lately that all I can do is cry.
Cry.
And cry some more.
and it doesn't really change a thing.
Sure I let it out.
But it doesn't bring my mom back.
And today I hurt.
I want to talk to her.
Hug her.
Hear her laugh.
Have her visit.
Give me advice.
Give me a recipe.
Tell me its okay.
Share in our lives.
My life.
Alyssa's life.
Dayv's life.
Our home.
My job.
The direction and journey we are on.
I just want to hear her voice.
And yet there is silence.
And I know... I know where she is,
and while normally that is a joyful thing for me to know
today I want her here!
I want God to not of taken my mom so cotton pickin' soon.
Gut wrenching.
What brought this on?
Wind chimes.
A person's blog who's mom health is declining.
A layout that is beautiful about her, but causing me to shed tears.
I do not understand it.
And you think I would knowing what I know about
what the bible says.
I get it.
But today I don't want to get it, I want to be selfish and
I want my mommy back.
If only for today....
I think about all the things I'd say,
I'd do,
I'd share.
The laughs we'd have.
Together....
I think it sometimes hurts worse than when it all happened
Such a short 8 months ago....
I feel so selfish for wanting her back.
But not today.
Just for today.
I just don't get it.
And you know what?
Just for today
I don't like it.
And I don't care,
I don't want to get it.
5 comments:
We went through stupid McDonalds drive thru tonight and I ordered my hamburger just like she ate hers, heavy mustard and onions, and although they messed it up, it was nice to order it her way. I find myself doing some of the things that she did, in order to gain some sense of having her around. Like listening to the channel she listened to (oldies on the DOve 105.5)on the radio in her car that I drive to work every day. ANd turning up the volune and singing extra loud when the Carpenters come on!
I shared with David as he was going to bed that you are upset and really missing your Mom today, and he wanted me to tell you that he loves you. I did not share your post, because it made me cry and he is sort of an emotional wreck right now and I didnt want to add to it.
He is going for an endoscopy on Friday to see what is causing his swallowing/throwing up issues when he eats big bites of food. Wish him and me luck, cuz he is such a big baby!
Love you!
Kim
oh Elizabeth thank you so for the sweet comment you left on my blog. after reading this one of yours i see you do know exactly where i am and what i am going through. Thank you again so much, and yes she is in heaven looking down on you, loving you from afar.
And feeling that way sometimes is okay! Its been almost 4 years since I lost my Dad and I still have occasional days like that. ((HUGS))
It's never easy,is it? Today I kept looking through the album that I have for pages of my dad... the same album that I had at his funeral service. I kept thinking and saying, "if only he hadn't died!"... "Why can't you be here with us?". I have really been missing him alot lately too and I guess perhaps it may have to do with what all has been taking place with us and our most recent loss. It all brings back the raw emotions. Yes, it just hasn't been a really good week here either, so I really can understand what all you must be feeling right now with wanting your mom so much. I'm sorry, and I wish I could help you... but I know that I can't do anything but listen to you and understand! :) Many heartfelt ((hugs)) to you , my friend!
I'm so sorry for your loss Elizabeth. I guess part of being okay is not being okay sometimes. I'm thinking of you.
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